The Bitter That Comes Before the Sweet

Dear Jen,

I just left Mary's house for the last time. I didn't think it would be sad, but it was.

Actually, it's incredibly strange. For some reason it never even occurred to me that our final parting would be anything out of the ordinary. I've thought of everything up to the point of leaving as a check list: go here, do that, do this, get in the car, drive away. Boom boom boom. Gone. No big deal. Even the entire time we were visiting together, I just thought, "okay, at 2:00 I have to go so Liam has a proper nap, and then I can get all these things done." Boom boom boom. Done.

But then, standing next to my van as all my children waited patiently buckled in their seats, we hugged for the first time in our entire friendship, and as we looked at each other, tears welled up! I couldn't believe it: I was sad! Of course I was sad! Why hadn't I expected this? And then, driving away, I wept! I wept! Is it more bitter because I know, with the isolation she feels in the community and the difficulty she has with her partner, that this parting is especially challenging for her? That I am really, legitimately, leaving someone behind? Is it because I know with almost total certainty that we will never see each other again? That we probably won't even talk or write? Or was it a moment where all positive things about my entire experience here finally managed to have an effect?

Whatever the reason, it makes me, for the first time ever, sad about leaving.

How grateful I am to be returning to the welcoming embrace of established friendships. It gives sweetness to this bitter moment. In fact, I couldn't believe the uncanny timing of hearing your voice on my answering machine when I arrived home. I despise partings. It is very difficult for me to imagine separating forever from people who have meaning to me. I've done it so much, but never in my entire life have I had the privilege of experiencing a reuniting.

So I will let this moment be--I will give it proper respect. And then I will look forward to all the positiveness that awaits!