Giving Myself Permission to Think What I Think and Feel What I Feel--SO THERE.

Dear Jen,

I'm not so sure I want that dream to remind you of me! Kicking you when you're down? Sounds traumatic...

As for myself, this morning I was awakened (as now happens on occassion) by Brad's pained writhing at 3:30 am. We had a short exchange that went something like this:

Me: "Do you have your drugs up here?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Do you need me to go downstairs and get them for you?"
Him: "No I'm going to have to go down and lay on the couch anyway, I think."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Him: "Yes."

And then he promptly fell asleep.

I, on the other hand, being pregnant, have once again begun losing my ability to drift off to sleep after waking up at any time of the day or night. I actually have to be very careful about moving my limbs too much or thinking too clearly when I get up to pee or all could be lost for up to an hour. Verbal exchanges, though, are clearly my doing-in, because after 1.5 hours of tossing and turning, I finally gave in and headed downstairs to write a little updatey-poo in my far-too-neglected (considering my exciting life right now) journal.

One of the things I wound up doing was making a list of all the things I liked about Chilliwack. See, I was writing about how Brad and I had officially agreed that we would like to return to the area after school is done. I`ve been very strongly resisting the desire to say so because don`t we always feel that way about the last place we lived when we`re new somewhere? It hasn't even been a year here. But you know, I think it's alright for me to feel like we just didn't get the opportunity to get all that we could out of the place yet--and there's so much to get out of it! Plus I summed up my feelings more or less this way: I am very satisfied with my life here, and I'm happy to spend two more years, but I just don't think we're going to stay.

Anyway, my mind has been plagued by these thoughts of Chilliwack, so although the book is now all the way upstairs and I am not going up again until my bread is out of the oven and I am going to SLEEP, I will try to replicate the list. Here are the reasons I want to move back: the friends; the outdoor activities; the church ward; the community; the programs; the facilities. I want to come back to Sardis Park; blackberry bushes; Rotary Trail; Player's Guild; Leisure Centre (pool; play ground; spray park; everything in between); Vancouver Zoo; Go Bananas; Krause Farms; Party in the Park; Chilliwack Lake; gold panning; Othello Tunnels; the list goes on.

I've been learning some very valuable things here: one is how to do charitable service. People are incredible here at impromptu, un-asked-for, kind and genuine service. I'm going to make sure to learn that, and take it with me wherever I go to show other people. Most other places I've lived people are much more tied up in the business and routine of their lives to comprehend how one even begins to be charitably-minded all day long (you being the uncommon and inspiring exception). The other is how to make friendly with total strangers, or acquaintances, or anyone else. Around here, you can have a full conversation with just about any person who catches your eye. And once someone has met you one time, you are as good as best friends after that! I have a theory that people are actually confused by social timidity, and I'm realizing that if I'm not talking to someone I want to talk to, that's my fault because they certainly don't ever have a problem with it! So I'm learning not to divert my eyes when someone catches me looking. Instead one must smile and possibly start a conversation--whether you know the person or not! And I'm certain more lessons like this will come. I see my time in Truro as having the potential for being rich and full of learning and growth. In fact, my addressing challenges with the local branch of the church and participating in a positive way have already lead to great personal growth and strengthening in the few months I've been here! So, you know, I like it here in Truro--I really do. And I love the people. And I know I haven't even come close to discovering all this city and province have to offer.

But I want to move back to Chilliwack!