In the Trenches

Dear Jen,

How are things? How are you breathing?

I've been reflecting today on how my friend-scoping focus has changed. I remember well the days when I would stand listless, alone and bored (OH so bored) at the park, casually checking out the other adults to ascertain whether they were caretakers, grandparents, or actual, legitimate, straight-up parents. Then I might try to "happen" to be close enough to that parent to strike up a conversation should the opportunity present itself. And I would hope that an opportunity would come up wherein I could casually insert into the conversation that I have a park playgroup and they should totally come.

Now I have a five-year-old, and I'm not doing a park playgroup anymore. No, I have moved on to "Homeschool Playgroup". So my focus has changed. The community certainly is different. The same type of scoping is required--usually when you see an adult out and about with many children they are actually running a day home. And, as my friend Mary pointed out, when you see someone out with older children in the middle of the day they are often simply taking the day off school for doctor's appointments.

All things considered, though, I see an upside and a downside to these new search criteria. The downside (start with the bad news) is that the community is much smaller. Every parent has toddlers to take care of at some point. Most parents do not, on the other hand, homeschool their older children. The upside, though, is that because the community is smaller, most other homeschoolers you meet are just as desperate as you are to make connections and network! You know if you've found a homeschooler that they want your phone number just as badly as you want theirs!

The reason for all this reflection is that today I made a new homeschool connection! It was awesome! And just about as randomly dumb luck as meeting you. In fact, on my way home from meeting this lady and her children it caused me to think back to that day at Sardis Park in Chilliwack. I felt the same gleeful excitement--like a true breakthrough had been made, and life was looking much brighter than I'd been imagining it could be!

So the story goes that every Thursday morning the kids and I walk to the library (I love living right in the middle of town. Walking to the library is so enjoyable!) so Ev and Gav can participate in a little program from 10:30-11:15. Since Liam usually is ready for a nap around 11:00 and I usually haven't had my second breakfast (what? Doesn't everyone model their meal plans like a hobbit?) I'm eager to bee-line it back to the house when we get out. Unfortunately (or so I thought at the time) for me, not only was it a beautiful day today but there were already a few kids playing on the steps of the stone war memorial that towers into the sky on a grassy lawn right beside the library. So I thought, "Alright fine, I'll let them play for a minute." The lady watching the kids (which I have been trained to assume was a wage-earning caretaker) was fortunately more friendly than I and offered a comment on the weather. As I looked to her to respond, some things started clicking in. First was: these kids all look to be different ages. "Are these all yours?" I asked (feeling like SUCH a jerk. She had four kids. Since I ALWAYS get the "Wow your hands are full!" I can pretty much guarantee she ALWAYS gets "Are these all YOURS???"). Yes they were. Next thing: those two kids playing on the steps look old. Like, older than Evelyn. With excitement just beginning to mount in my chest, I asked the big one, "Do you homeschool?"

Did a hallelujah chorus play in my mind upon hearing her answer? Quite possibly. It would have been hard to hear over the follow-up questions jumping into my head. Another homeschooler! And she lives in Debert--about 20 minutes from here on the highway. And she has recently begun getting together with two other homeschool moms around that area! And yes, she is interested in joining us for a weekday visit to the local corn maze! And since her kids do piano lessons every Thursday morning in Truro, she's coming over for lunch next week, and maybe, just maybe, we might be able, in some capacity, to get our Truro group to collaborate with her Debert group, making SIX families!

This is the historical location where it all went down.

I'm excited--I'm pretty excited. I know that often big plans don't turn out quite as you'd hoped, if at all. But the possibilities are enough to kick up some good ol' adrenaline and make me feel pretty good about things right now. The best part? Both Brad and Mary asked, in so many words, if she seemed "copasetic". My assessment, based on our short conversation, was that she seemed moderately disheveled (as any good mother of more than two children ought to be, really) and pretty easy going. I think she might fit right in with our current dynamic.

And of course Ev is pretty stoked. That girl will never have enough friends. On a side note, I recall being worried about the effect our last move would have on her. I am possibly more concerned this time round. Whatever, I did it so many times as a kid! She'll grow from it! In the meantime, new friends are more than welcome!

How is homeschooling going for you? We need to chat soon to trade stories from the trenches.

Love,

Jacqui

Cruella Deville

Dear Jen,

For the first time in Ev's short and dramatic life she is being really punished. Frankly, she should consider herself lucky that what is happening to her right now is possibly the biggest punishment she has ever gotten for anything. Because by really punished what I mean is she was marched straight to bed (taking a break for the bathroom, of course. We're not animals!), no bedtime story, no song, no audio story, no music. NOTHING. And tomorrow she is forbidden from playing with her neighbour friend.

I know, shaking in your boots, right?

But to hear how she cries and whimpers and pathetically coughs and sobs, you would know that this punishment is bad.

What did she do to deserve such cruel and unusual treatment, do you ask? Well, it actually stems from a great development in her life of late. We've vaguely known since our first winter here that we had some kind of child-aged neighbour living across the parking lot from us. But it wasn't until one fine summer's eve this August while my mom was visiting, when she offered to watch Ev as she biked in said parking lot that the two girls had a chance to play together. Eventually my mom, bored of staring at them play on concrete, suggested she come to our house to play some more, and thus a beautiful neighbour kid friendship was born.

Aren't neighbour kids the best? I remember playing with them as a kid. My niece has a neighbour friend that she spent this entire blissful summer playing with practically every day! And since becoming friends, Ev and her neighbour friend (three years older, and honestly I find those play dynamics work the best!) have played practically every day, running between houses and biking in the empty parking lot between. It's great! Except for one problem: usually they play after supper, and Ev has proven to be completely belligerent when it comes to returning home for bedtime.

Today was the last straw. I caught her as she ran past me through the house, "Ev, it's time for bed!" "Five minutes!" she begged. So I conceded, "Alright, but five minutes is not long and I don't want ANY complaining or crying when I come to get you!" (past experience) to which she offered her solemn promise. So probably seven minutes pass and I go out to the porch, call her name, and watch her flee out of view. Great. So I have to go over there, and talk to her friend, who swears she has no idea where she is (which I wasn't sure I could believe or not. Were they in cahoots?). We search around her house as the last light of day fades from the sky and colours are melting into the shadows, and finally, finally, I see her standing very still against the back side of her friend's house. And you know what she says to me when I get there? Not, "You caught me!" Not, "Aw, man. Ok, bye!" Nope. She wails, "I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!"

So her fate was sealed. I grabbed her by the hand, marched her past her bike, which I grabbed, up the porch stairs, into the house, and to her bed. She is SO in trouble tonight. Not only did she break her promise, but she made me have to search for her in the dark and have to worry.

Of course she feels a great injustice has been done to her. This is the first "big kid" "accountable" kind of punishment she has ever had. I need her to get that bedtime means instant obedience. There is no kidding around when there are two other tired kids to deal with and it's dark outside!

Have you had the joys of such a moment?

Movin' On

Dear Jen,

I just wanted to point some exciting things out.

1. Due to NSAC's becoming part of Dalhousie, registration practices have changed, and Brad needed to register for his entire 2013/2014 year right away. This means that Brad is now OFFICIALLY registered for every single class he needs to take to graduate.

2. Agriculture and Agri-Food Canada's 2013 post-grad recruitment program opens next week, which will mark the first official job application Brad makes for a real grown-up job.

3. Today I signed Ev and Gav up for a six-week program at the library. Then I'll sign them up for the next one, and by the time that ends, it'll be Christmas, and Brad will be but ONE semester away from graduating. My how the time flies!

There are some other less happy but still excitement-generating things I've been noticing. Like way back on Canada Day, we had some friends who went to a really cool festival that happens about an hour from here. I thought for a moment, "That sounds awesome! I think I'll do that next year!" And then quickly realized I probably won't be here by next Canada Day.

Then there's our local church's beach trip to my beloved Caribou Munroes Provincial Park...

Look at all that fabulous sand!

 

...and realized that, this being September now, that was probably my last ever visit to that spot.

 

Don't feel sad for me though. I'm not sad. I love Nova Scotia. I love my friends. I love so many things about my life here (how many times have I said that already on this blog?), but I have to admit, I'm just straight up EXCITED to move on and get going on our BIG. LIFE. PLANS.

 

Woot woot! Now just to figure out where we'll be moving on to!



Another Poem

Dear Jacqui,

My friend... that so very much sucks.  & it makes me think of my own poem:

Friend is aching,
My heart is breaking.

I wish I had something spectacularly encouraging to say or a way that I could beam myself there to just help & be present.  But I can't & I hate that.  So thought it seems cliché, I genuinely will pray because lately it seems like that is all I can do.  So right now & tomorrow & the day after & as long as needed, I will pray...  for healing in Brad's body & for strength & peace for each of you & that you will have many moments full of true joy even in the midst of struggle.

Love, Jen

A Poem

Dear Jen,

I wrote myself a poem:

Husband in pain.
Wife aching.

I know, it's pathetic. It's just too much for him. Well past a year of almost consistent pain, and now he writhes in agony and there is nothing in the entire hospital that eases it. Before all this, of course, he's been suffering with IBS for years. He's going to die so young from body exhaustion.

I should disclaim that it's really late, I just left Brad at the ER after three hours to relieve my friend from house sitting duty, and I am exhausted. It will all be brighter in the morning. For now though, this is how I feel:

Husband in pain.
Wife aching.

Brain Child

Dear Jen,

There are so many things I could write to you. I think about it sometimes--when I'm cleaning a room, or putting a child to sleep, or walking outside, or wallowing in exhaustion on the couch--I'll think of things I would write to you if my brain were attached to the computer.

Why haven't they invented that yet?

They probably have...it's just not safe or something. Too high a chance of your brain exploding. Honestly if there were any chance of my brain exploding I don't think I'd do it. Just ain't good business sense.

Anyway, despite all these things I could say, I will say none of it. Because it's actually the middle of the day right now, and I have a baby crawling on me, and kids elsewhere in the house almost certainly making an unmanageable disaster. I hear a smashing sound...I'm hoping it doesn't lead into a breaking sound.

So I will offer you nothing. Nothing except the knowledge that I'd like to write awesome things to you every day.

Love,

Jacqui

Patterns of Light

Dear Jen,

I wanted to call you today. I've been thinking about it the past couple days, and then it occurred to me to check your blog for new updates. I was shocked to find like five posts that I hadn't yet read! And as I went through, the desire to call, and say hello, and just be a friend increased.

BUT it is Sunday. Not only Sunday, but Father's Day. I have a thing about calling lady friends on weekends. In my mind, weekends are "daddy time". So I don't disturb. Especially not on Father's Day. Who knows what kind of beautiful family moments I would be disturbing!

So I will call another day--another day soon. Although if a phone call is not going to work for you right now, you can let me know that. I'm totally cool with not calling soon. I can be patient!

Yeesh all I have to do at this point is start apologizing for wanting to talk to you and I'll officially sound like someone else I know!

Anyway, why am I writing this post? This seems more and more like a silly, inane post. I wanted to post because something you wrote reminded me of an analogy that I love more and more each time I think of it. And there's a great video of it that I wanted to show to you, so I thought I'd better post it to the blog. That's why I'm writing. I'll get to the video.

How was your Father's Day? Aside from the hilarious Real Life Photo Shoot? I had a personal Father's Day victory! See, during the months of pregnancy/baby rearing, I become a very disorganized person. I manage to keep a handle on the absolute basics, but all the wonderful extra things, like advance planning for Father's Day, go completely out the window. This is the direction our celebrations were going this year. Every time I wondered what I would do I would become flustered with brain deadness and then Liam would cry--or Gavin would break something/cut something/pee on something/draw on something/fall off something/etc, or Evelyn would whine--you know the drill. But then this past week a friend came over to play and suggested we make a FD craft with our kids, and I looked some up, and found some pretty cute egg carton flowers. So we did it! And Evelyn made a card, and then, best of all, I was able to provide a real service for Brad this morning, due to the fact that he leaves so early for a meeting. Usually I cling desperately to that last thread of sleep for the 20 minutes he's getting ready. But today I got up and made him a loverly breakfast! I felt pretty good about myself, considering I had only a week ago pretty much resigned myself to complete neglect and failure.

This afternoon we all went out to Victoria Park to visit the waterfall and float some little wooden "boats" (flat pieces of wood with a pointy end and a stick coming out the top) down the creek. The sky was clear, the sun was warm, the weather mild. It was a magnificent time! Brad still has so much recovery left--neither of his bones are knit back together yet. But when I remember the state of things last year, or even just six months ago, I relish every outing like this that we do! As the days and weeks go by I am more and more confronted with this strange surreal experience of realizing that we know almost nothing of this place in the summer, even though it all feels so familiar to us, having lived here coming on two years!

After the trip Brad grabbed some narcotics (which he rarely does anymore) and went straight to the couch--there's a thunderstorm coming tomorrow, so it's wrecking him. In certain ways it's difficult to be the onlooker of someone else's pain--it hurts to know there is nothing you can do. You feel guilty sometimes doing things you know they can't. I feel self conscious every time I bound up the stairs! Regardless, I am grateful for Brad's recovery. I don't know if he feels very grateful right now, but I do. I'm grateful that (so far) he's able to work, and play with the children, and go fishing. And I'm grateful he's getting compensated.

I've got to stop right here to say that it feels strange rambling to you about my life. It is so unimportant. My greatest challenges were last year. Now everything is getting better, on the upswing, improving. It's your turn to feel, to think, to weep, to write. At the same time, I'm guessing that you would dislike it if I hid myself from you, so that you began to know me less and less, simply because I don't want to impose.

Anyway, the video. You posted a beautiful excerpt about how God gives us mercy piece by piece--just enough for each day. And it reminded me of this analogy of how God delivers revelation to our minds--especially the example of the foggy day. I love it! Maybe you will like it too:

Continue to press forward, my friend.

"Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men."

Love,

Jacqui

The Circle of Life

Dear Jen,

And so it goes...

I'm not usually one to admit I've been beat. Especially when only two posts down is a piece completely devoted to the fact that, despite all my best logic, I feel like this dog is special and must be gotten. But if I'm going to be completely honest, I knew within two weeks that all my apprehensions (learned from personal experience growing up) were spot on, and that I was a happier woman when I was pet-free.

But, because I'd agreed to it, and for the sake of Brad, I determined to press on. I would get used to it. I even convinced Brad to ease up when he got frustrated with her a month in. And he did, and we all continued to dwell acceptably together. But when Brad began talking again of how he'd realized that a dog just wasn't the same when you had kids; and this dog just wasn't Sierra (his old dog) no matter how much he wanted her to be; and how much he loathed having dog hair in everything (meals and drinks included), I began to take him seriously. And I supported his decision full-heartedly.

I even wrote the Kijiji ad--which, I must say, I am quite proud of. I would even call it successful, because within 24 hours of posting it I already had four responses, and by the end of the weekend I had ten. Thursday night I posted, and this being Monday night, she is already gone--for a trial. The lady who took her is concerned about her barking when she's away at work, so she's doing a trial till the weekend. I'm not overly concerned though. Incompletely trained though she may be, Marley is at heart a good and easy-going dog. We've left her home lots, and she doesn't care--so long as we don't trap her in a tiny room or something. And even then I'm pretty sure she gives up her whining and begging once we leave the house. So in all likelihood I have succeeded in finding a suitable replacement home for our dear Marley less than a week after I started to look for one. Not too shabby!

I'm excited for the weekend, though. Because I told the kids from the get-go that when Marley is given away we will have a special restaurant dinner (lest they are inclined to get all sentimental about a dog they complain about 80% of the time and enjoy a mere 20). Fast food though it may be, it beats having to plan supper any day!

And, just between you and me, I've realized that this whole affair will have one very valuable benefit: Brad won't bug me about getting a dog for YEARS to come!

WORTH IT.

Love,

Jacqui

Insane Zombie Fro

Dear Jen,

I'm starting to think about cutting Gavin's hair.

I was hoping to make it to three years old, but...well, it's finally getting to "that point". I've always been afraid of cutting it because so many people told me these terrible stories of cutting their children's curls just to have them never return! That would be SO SAD. But then, on some days his hair flops just so that it looks like Krusty the Clown. You know:

Then there's the problem with hats, which instantly destroy the beautiful ringlets and instead turn it into some insane zombie fro. You know:

 

Or, here we go:

 

And then also naps. Naps give him this tangled mess of dreadlocks in the back of his head.

But then, when I wash his hair, and brush it, and tease it up with my fingers, it's just so darn CUTE!

But I think I probably need to cut it. It's time. We've had a good run. I was lucky--with the curly locks, I was able to hold off on the feared "first haircut" longer than most. But...yup. I'm thinking it's time.

Evelyn, however, is looking top shape.

Love,

Jacqui