Dear Jacqui,
Well, my MIL is scheduled to arrive in the next little while... My house is a pretty big mess (think dumped out board games, craft cabinet, buttons and train track), my children are dirty (though they are dirty because we spent 3 hours at the park today - MOTY), Masen is wearing no pants and has marker all over his face, my floors (despite my intentions of washing them) look like someone HAS eaten off them, and there is pretty much no evidence of the vacuuming and bathroom cleaning I did yesterday as a result of the park adventure. (Darn sand!)
You know, this week has been a little tough... rainy weather, Masen's breathing issues preventing him (ME) from getting any real sleep and a UTI that has been pretty much the most painful thing I have ever experienced in pregnancy... other than the actual event of giving birth. (Umm... but even if you want to, you can't get an epidural for a UTI... not that I asked or anything.) LIFE has prevented me from doing all the things I usually like to do to basically pretend I am a better me than I actually am. (Though for the record, usually I like the me I am just fine.)
And though I tell myself that no matter the effort exerted, there is no chance that my clean house would ever measure up to the standard it will be judged by, I still find myself in a place where by human standards, I feel completely inadequate.
None the less, I am choosing to try to choose joy... be thankful that Masen actually napped today and that after a week of rain we enjoyed sunscreen weather. That being said, if you wanted to send me a little message to let me know that I am not the worst mother in the world and that losing my baby in a pile of laundry is actually considered a rite of passage, I'll receive it full of gratitude.
Until then, I'll be on the sofa reading Romans 8, reminding myself that we aren't starving children in Africa and hoping for the rapture.
Love, Jen
Friday, 15 June 2012
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Giving Myself Permission to Think What I Think and Feel What I Feel--SO THERE.
Dear Jen,
I'm not so sure I want that dream to remind you of me! Kicking you when you're down? Sounds traumatic...
As for myself, this morning I was awakened (as now happens on occassion) by Brad's pained writhing at 3:30 am. We had a short exchange that went something like this:
Me: "Do you have your drugs up here?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Do you need me to go downstairs and get them for you?"
Him: "No I'm going to have to go down and lay on the couch anyway, I think."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Him: "Yes."
And then he promptly fell asleep.
I, on the other hand, being pregnant, have once again begun losing my ability to drift off to sleep after waking up at any time of the day or night. I actually have to be very careful about moving my limbs too much or thinking too clearly when I get up to pee or all could be lost for up to an hour. Verbal exchanges, though, are clearly my doing-in, because after 1.5 hours of tossing and turning, I finally gave in and headed downstairs to write a little updatey-poo in my far-too-neglected (considering my exciting life right now) journal.
One of the things I wound up doing was making a list of all the things I liked about Chilliwack. See, I was writing about how Brad and I had officially agreed that we would like to return to the area after school is done. I`ve been very strongly resisting the desire to say so because don`t we always feel that way about the last place we lived when we`re new somewhere? It hasn't even been a year here. But you know, I think it's alright for me to feel like we just didn't get the opportunity to get all that we could out of the place yet--and there's so much to get out of it! Plus I summed up my feelings more or less this way: I am very satisfied with my life here, and I'm happy to spend two more years, but I just don't think we're going to stay.
Anyway, my mind has been plagued by these thoughts of Chilliwack, so although the book is now all the way upstairs and I am not going up again until my bread is out of the oven and I am going to SLEEP, I will try to replicate the list. Here are the reasons I want to move back: the friends; the outdoor activities; the church ward; the community; the programs; the facilities. I want to come back to Sardis Park; blackberry bushes; Rotary Trail; Player's Guild; Leisure Centre (pool; play ground; spray park; everything in between); Vancouver Zoo; Go Bananas; Krause Farms; Party in the Park; Chilliwack Lake; gold panning; Othello Tunnels; the list goes on.
I've been learning some very valuable things here: one is how to do charitable service. People are incredible here at impromptu, un-asked-for, kind and genuine service. I'm going to make sure to learn that, and take it with me wherever I go to show other people. Most other places I've lived people are much more tied up in the business and routine of their lives to comprehend how one even begins to be charitably-minded all day long (you being the uncommon and inspiring exception). The other is how to make friendly with total strangers, or acquaintances, or anyone else. Around here, you can have a full conversation with just about any person who catches your eye. And once someone has met you one time, you are as good as best friends after that! I have a theory that people are actually confused by social timidity, and I'm realizing that if I'm not talking to someone I want to talk to, that's my fault because they certainly don't ever have a problem with it! So I'm learning not to divert my eyes when someone catches me looking. Instead one must smile and possibly start a conversation--whether you know the person or not! And I'm certain more lessons like this will come. I see my time in Truro as having the potential for being rich and full of learning and growth. In fact, my addressing challenges with the local branch of the church and participating in a positive way have already lead to great personal growth and strengthening in the few months I've been here! So, you know, I like it here in Truro--I really do. And I love the people. And I know I haven't even come close to discovering all this city and province have to offer.
But I want to move back to Chilliwack!
I'm not so sure I want that dream to remind you of me! Kicking you when you're down? Sounds traumatic...
As for myself, this morning I was awakened (as now happens on occassion) by Brad's pained writhing at 3:30 am. We had a short exchange that went something like this:
Me: "Do you have your drugs up here?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Do you need me to go downstairs and get them for you?"
Him: "No I'm going to have to go down and lay on the couch anyway, I think."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Him: "Yes."
And then he promptly fell asleep.
I, on the other hand, being pregnant, have once again begun losing my ability to drift off to sleep after waking up at any time of the day or night. I actually have to be very careful about moving my limbs too much or thinking too clearly when I get up to pee or all could be lost for up to an hour. Verbal exchanges, though, are clearly my doing-in, because after 1.5 hours of tossing and turning, I finally gave in and headed downstairs to write a little updatey-poo in my far-too-neglected (considering my exciting life right now) journal.
One of the things I wound up doing was making a list of all the things I liked about Chilliwack. See, I was writing about how Brad and I had officially agreed that we would like to return to the area after school is done. I`ve been very strongly resisting the desire to say so because don`t we always feel that way about the last place we lived when we`re new somewhere? It hasn't even been a year here. But you know, I think it's alright for me to feel like we just didn't get the opportunity to get all that we could out of the place yet--and there's so much to get out of it! Plus I summed up my feelings more or less this way: I am very satisfied with my life here, and I'm happy to spend two more years, but I just don't think we're going to stay.
Anyway, my mind has been plagued by these thoughts of Chilliwack, so although the book is now all the way upstairs and I am not going up again until my bread is out of the oven and I am going to SLEEP, I will try to replicate the list. Here are the reasons I want to move back: the friends; the outdoor activities; the church ward; the community; the programs; the facilities. I want to come back to Sardis Park; blackberry bushes; Rotary Trail; Player's Guild; Leisure Centre (pool; play ground; spray park; everything in between); Vancouver Zoo; Go Bananas; Krause Farms; Party in the Park; Chilliwack Lake; gold panning; Othello Tunnels; the list goes on.
I've been learning some very valuable things here: one is how to do charitable service. People are incredible here at impromptu, un-asked-for, kind and genuine service. I'm going to make sure to learn that, and take it with me wherever I go to show other people. Most other places I've lived people are much more tied up in the business and routine of their lives to comprehend how one even begins to be charitably-minded all day long (you being the uncommon and inspiring exception). The other is how to make friendly with total strangers, or acquaintances, or anyone else. Around here, you can have a full conversation with just about any person who catches your eye. And once someone has met you one time, you are as good as best friends after that! I have a theory that people are actually confused by social timidity, and I'm realizing that if I'm not talking to someone I want to talk to, that's my fault because they certainly don't ever have a problem with it! So I'm learning not to divert my eyes when someone catches me looking. Instead one must smile and possibly start a conversation--whether you know the person or not! And I'm certain more lessons like this will come. I see my time in Truro as having the potential for being rich and full of learning and growth. In fact, my addressing challenges with the local branch of the church and participating in a positive way have already lead to great personal growth and strengthening in the few months I've been here! So, you know, I like it here in Truro--I really do. And I love the people. And I know I haven't even come close to discovering all this city and province have to offer.
But I want to move back to Chilliwack!
Friday, 8 June 2012
The Dream
Dear Jacqui,
Okay... well first off, I just want to point out that it is so cold here that as I am typing this, my FURNACE is running. Seriously. I am completely convinced that I am going to end up with a gas "adjustment" bill as I am completely sure that when they are annualize my usage, they are counting on us NOT using heat in the summer. Imagine that! Joel is away the last week of June and if things don't look up, I may very well have to take the kids somewhere in search of sunshine... Wanna meet in Winnipeg?
So I had a nice/weird/obviously a symptom of pregnancy dream last night... I was ironing ('cause that's how I spend all my free time) when your little family showed up at our place! Apparently you had just moved back (surprise!) and showed up at our house with your little trailer hoping to stay here. In my dream though, we lived in our townhouse, so somehow you just moved in next door. I know you don't care for condo living, but wouldn't it be nice to be neighbours?! :) Anyways, we decided to go for dinner and you wanted to borrow something of mine to wear and were getting increasingly frustrated with everything you tried on that I didn't have anything long enough to fit you. (Darn my 5'4" frame!) In the meantime, Brad was walking around looking like a mammoth because he hadn't showered or shaved the whole 5 day trip down. (Though it was completely exaggerated in my dream and it looked more like he hadn't showered or shaved in 5 months!) You wanted him to shower before we went out for dinner (Chinese in case you are interested in the details) and he kept saying that he only showers in the mornings and he couldn't shower in then or it would "mess up his system." While that was going on, Zach & Evelyn jumped off Zach's bunk bed and Zach got a bloody nose. I started freaking out that he was getting blood on the carpet but he wouldn't go into the bathroom to clean up. (This actual seems quite realistic to me.)
Somehow the dream ended with me on the floor with Zach and you kicking me in the back while I was down... except in real life I woke up to Masen (who I brought to bed with us) kicking me in the kidneys. I am still sore today, but I am choosing to use that pain to remind me of you. :) Plus that type of thought redirection will likely result in a more pleasant day for Masen.
So, do you ever have a dream where when you wake up (probably because it is from a sudden force like a kick in the back) you have to think about what was real and what wasn't? Well, let's just say I'm slightly disappointed this morning that you aren't my neighbour... Though if you saw how gloomy it was right now, I doubt you would share the same sentiment.
Happy Friday! Talk soon?!
Love, Jen
Okay... well first off, I just want to point out that it is so cold here that as I am typing this, my FURNACE is running. Seriously. I am completely convinced that I am going to end up with a gas "adjustment" bill as I am completely sure that when they are annualize my usage, they are counting on us NOT using heat in the summer. Imagine that! Joel is away the last week of June and if things don't look up, I may very well have to take the kids somewhere in search of sunshine... Wanna meet in Winnipeg?
So I had a nice/weird/obviously a symptom of pregnancy dream last night... I was ironing ('cause that's how I spend all my free time) when your little family showed up at our place! Apparently you had just moved back (surprise!) and showed up at our house with your little trailer hoping to stay here. In my dream though, we lived in our townhouse, so somehow you just moved in next door. I know you don't care for condo living, but wouldn't it be nice to be neighbours?! :) Anyways, we decided to go for dinner and you wanted to borrow something of mine to wear and were getting increasingly frustrated with everything you tried on that I didn't have anything long enough to fit you. (Darn my 5'4" frame!) In the meantime, Brad was walking around looking like a mammoth because he hadn't showered or shaved the whole 5 day trip down. (Though it was completely exaggerated in my dream and it looked more like he hadn't showered or shaved in 5 months!) You wanted him to shower before we went out for dinner (Chinese in case you are interested in the details) and he kept saying that he only showers in the mornings and he couldn't shower in then or it would "mess up his system." While that was going on, Zach & Evelyn jumped off Zach's bunk bed and Zach got a bloody nose. I started freaking out that he was getting blood on the carpet but he wouldn't go into the bathroom to clean up. (This actual seems quite realistic to me.)
Somehow the dream ended with me on the floor with Zach and you kicking me in the back while I was down... except in real life I woke up to Masen (who I brought to bed with us) kicking me in the kidneys. I am still sore today, but I am choosing to use that pain to remind me of you. :) Plus that type of thought redirection will likely result in a more pleasant day for Masen.
So, do you ever have a dream where when you wake up (probably because it is from a sudden force like a kick in the back) you have to think about what was real and what wasn't? Well, let's just say I'm slightly disappointed this morning that you aren't my neighbour... Though if you saw how gloomy it was right now, I doubt you would share the same sentiment.
Happy Friday! Talk soon?!
Love, Jen
Saturday, 2 June 2012
TWO
Dear Jacqui,
As the winds raged and the rain fell today, I was reminded of a very similar day two years ago…
A pretty normal Wednesday that started with a little puddle splashing…
… and ended with meeting my “life double”.
“Oh, he’ll be two in July…” ”Really? Her birthday is July XX.” “That’s crazy! His birthday is only 5 days after that!”
“We actually just moved here at the end of August.” “Us too! We are from E-town.” “No way! We just moved from E-town too!”
“… actually I cloth diaper…”
“… pregnant and due in September…”
“… XXX is my midwife …”
So, I slipped you my FB group name & hoped you join.
& you did.
Love, Jen
P.S. I may or may not have this picture in my Jacqui shadow box… or I could have just recently seen it on FB with a “date stamp” on it… hard to say for sure.
As the winds raged and the rain fell today, I was reminded of a very similar day two years ago…
A pretty normal Wednesday that started with a little puddle splashing…
… and ended with meeting my “life double”.
“Oh, he’ll be two in July…” ”Really? Her birthday is July XX.” “That’s crazy! His birthday is only 5 days after that!”
“We actually just moved here at the end of August.” “Us too! We are from E-town.” “No way! We just moved from E-town too!”
“… actually I cloth diaper…”
“… pregnant and due in September…”
“… XXX is my midwife …”
So, I slipped you my FB group name & hoped you join.
& you did.
Love, Jen
P.S. I may or may not have this picture in my Jacqui shadow box… or I could have just recently seen it on FB with a “date stamp” on it… hard to say for sure.
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Finished Business
Dear Jen,
So in all the excitement of the past days (alright and all the things keeping me busy during the day and awake during the night) I haven't gotten to a very looked-forward-to thing, which is to show you the finished product of my painted chicken coop! Finally after months of waiting May long weekend proved perfect! The forecast was for sun sun and more sun starting Friday and continuing for four days, with daytime temperatures in the 20's and overnight close to 10. The entire week beforehand I had planned to paint the coop on Friday, but Brad's accident having happened that Wednesday it also turned out to be a welcome distraction for us as we waited daily to find out just when daddy would return to us.
Just to remind you of the "before" look, here is a cute picture of the children enjoying some snacks on the coop a couple months ago:
And now here is the finished product!
Just as I'd dreamed: an outrageously bright red and orange base to contrast the vibrant blue of the house, with some fantastic drawings by Evelyn. She's got to paint lots of real-use projects this season: a bird house; bird feeder; bee house; and now this, which in my opinion is the coup de grace. What you see on the front face is, left to right, the farmers, a stripey elephant, a cow (note the udder), a tall dinosaur, and a short dinosaur under a starry full-moon sky. On the side are some chickens, I think, and possibly more dinosaurs.
Anyway, I love it. Makes me much happier than that hideous bare press-board. SO glad we finally got that done! Now to just find time to plant all the rest of my garden! It's getting just a wee bit late methinks...
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Raindrops
Dear Jacqui,
Do I think that it was God's will for Brad to get in an accident? Absolutely not.
But, do I think he can use it to draw you closer to him? Yes... yes I do.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,
to them who are the called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28
In the midst of our trials it often feels impossible to know what good can come of this... but we can trust that the One who knows the number of hairs on our head has a good plan for us.
I so very much wish that I was there to carry some of this burden with you... Let's talk very soon.
Love, Jen
P.S. I've been thinking on this in some of my own recent circumstances, and think it could be something "for you" too:
When you find God is all you have; you will realize he is all you need.
I'm praying that you sense God's presence and peace throughout this trial and have supernatural strength that can only be from him as you press on in the days ahead. Sending you love!
Monday, 21 May 2012
Blessing Hunt
Dear Jen,
Generally, it is rather easy to see the blessings in planned hardships--like your husband leaving you alone with the children three evenings a week to take night classes so that he can finish his degree that much sooner. When those plans are completely trainwrecked, I have still been trying to make a huge effort to see the blessings in that, too.
Seeing them turns out not to be very hard. It's staying focused on them that's the issue. It's hard not to think about how less than a week ago Brad was making promising connections at his federal government summer research position, which he thoroughly enjoyed, and how he was already half way through his four-week "Calculus 1" course, and how this weekend would have been perfect for Brad to take Evelyn on that camping trip she's been asking for ever since we confirmed that winter really was over, and how because of a split-second moment of inattention by a pregnant woman in an SUV none of that exists anymore.
But I'm trying not to think about those things. Because this is what our life is now--and perhaps the things that I'm disappointed about will turn out not to matter, and other unforeseen things will turn out to be incredibly advantageous. It's a challenge especially to see this lengthy bone-repairing surgery recovery as an opportunity, instead of countless lost ones--a waste of time.
But I'm trying. For one thing, instead of having a summer of busy-ness, stress, and absence, Brad's will be the complete opposite. The kids and I will get to see a lot of him. And I will have the opportunity to learn how to do lots of things on my own, like planting a garden, and cleaning a chicken coop, and remembering to water house plants. And Brad will have the opportunity to learn the skill of taking it easy and experiencing what others call "leisure time". And I will have the opportunity to prove (mostly to myself) that I really am capable of selflessly serving someone else (Brad's always beat me to the punch with that one). And Brad will have the opportunity to do a lot of reading--including to the children!
The great blessing of Learning Opportunities is always difficult to stay positive about. But I'm trying. So far I'm usually pretty steady in my mental control. But then again, right now all I can think about is wanting Brad to come home, no matter how hard it'll make our day-to-day. But I've got myself in training for the long weeks ahead. I really believe every pitfall in life is an opportunity to receive hidden blessings. Putting that philosophy into practice will be the challenge...
Generally, it is rather easy to see the blessings in planned hardships--like your husband leaving you alone with the children three evenings a week to take night classes so that he can finish his degree that much sooner. When those plans are completely trainwrecked, I have still been trying to make a huge effort to see the blessings in that, too.
Seeing them turns out not to be very hard. It's staying focused on them that's the issue. It's hard not to think about how less than a week ago Brad was making promising connections at his federal government summer research position, which he thoroughly enjoyed, and how he was already half way through his four-week "Calculus 1" course, and how this weekend would have been perfect for Brad to take Evelyn on that camping trip she's been asking for ever since we confirmed that winter really was over, and how because of a split-second moment of inattention by a pregnant woman in an SUV none of that exists anymore.
But I'm trying not to think about those things. Because this is what our life is now--and perhaps the things that I'm disappointed about will turn out not to matter, and other unforeseen things will turn out to be incredibly advantageous. It's a challenge especially to see this lengthy bone-repairing surgery recovery as an opportunity, instead of countless lost ones--a waste of time.
But I'm trying. For one thing, instead of having a summer of busy-ness, stress, and absence, Brad's will be the complete opposite. The kids and I will get to see a lot of him. And I will have the opportunity to learn how to do lots of things on my own, like planting a garden, and cleaning a chicken coop, and remembering to water house plants. And Brad will have the opportunity to learn the skill of taking it easy and experiencing what others call "leisure time". And I will have the opportunity to prove (mostly to myself) that I really am capable of selflessly serving someone else (Brad's always beat me to the punch with that one). And Brad will have the opportunity to do a lot of reading--including to the children!
The great blessing of Learning Opportunities is always difficult to stay positive about. But I'm trying. So far I'm usually pretty steady in my mental control. But then again, right now all I can think about is wanting Brad to come home, no matter how hard it'll make our day-to-day. But I've got myself in training for the long weeks ahead. I really believe every pitfall in life is an opportunity to receive hidden blessings. Putting that philosophy into practice will be the challenge...
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