The "Mercenaries"

Dear Jacqui,

Once upon a time, there was a magnificent person named "Jan" who was having a "less than magnificent" day...

Her (not quite a) baby had been up several times in the night and her toddler had gotten up at 5:07 AM.

For the day.

Did I mention Jan was also battling fatigue and nausea from the inconvenience of having a third child?

After enjoying a little morning conversation with her far away friend "Mackie", she hung up the phone with the intention of getting her littles ready to go swimming.  Her strategy was simple... take them out to hopefully make them as tired as she was to ensure a quiet afternoon.

Not entirely at all successful.

While getting the (not quite a) baby ready for swimming, he puked.

Great.

Swimming was cancelled and Jan swiftly rerouted to "plan B"... lay on the couch, liberal use of the tv, feel bad for herself.


Imagine Jan's surprise at 11 AM when two men showed up on her doorstep and refused to leave... continually ringing the door bell.

I bet you know who this is...

The Jehovah Witnesses.  Back again.

Jan opened the door a smudge, careful to conceal her own body odour and the (mostly naked) toddler behind her and with a polite smile explained that they were a little "under the weather" but that they should "all come back now, ya hear?"

Happy that was over, Jan slunk back into the house and "whipped up" a lunch delicacy consisting of fruit leather, crackers & cheese.  Fine dining at it's best.

Knowing that this day would never end, yet hoping it would, Jan decided to put the (not quite a) baby down for an early rest.

Jan lay down on the couch and closed her eyes hoping that sleep would soon consume her body.

Scratching and rustling noises begin.  Signalling to her (mostly naked) toddler that "Mommy" was sleeping, she shut her eyes tighter.

Scratch, Rustle, THUMP.

Realizing that the toddler wasn't moving and remembering the mouse-that-coulda-been a-rat that took up residence in the garage (until being axe murdered by Mr. Magnificent) Jan shot up and tried to bravely follow the source of the noise.


Her worst nightmare ensued.

One dead and one not-so-dead something in the fireplace.

She let out a (very brave) bloody curdling scream.


Feeling conflicted if she should call 911 or her husband, she called the neighbour... and then her husband... and then 911.  (Okay, maybe not 911... but she did consider it)

Despite the fact that the (mostly naked) toddler was completely glued to the tv screen, all the excitement wakes the (not quite a) baby up.  And he poops.

Jan heroically blocks up the fireplace and heads to the bedroom to fight whatever monsters await her in the (not quite a) baby's diaper.


It seems as though the morning's puking had represented itself in a new form.

Jan (not so heroically) makes a run for the toilet.


While in the bathroom, incessant knocking starts on the front door.  "Moooom!"  Calls (mostly naked) toddler from the front window.  "It's two men at da door and dere knocking for you!"

Convinced it is those darn "Jehovah Witnesses" coming back to further torture "stinky barf Mom"... AKA "Jan"... she whips open the door exposing her stinky wretched self, house, crying (not quite a) baby and (mostly naked) toddler.  (Perhaps with the intention to give them a little piece of her mind... "Hello?!  By "later" I meant like "in a year".... not like "2 hours!")

Do you know who it is?!

Oh no you didn'!!


That's right "Mackie"... your two little friends brought by your little message.

So Jan did what any other "Mormoniest Non-Mormon" you'd ever met would do... she invited them to come in...

... another time.  (Perhaps one when they were all dressed and had brushed their teeth... and maybe even the kids were sleeping!)

Love, Jen

P.S.  You ARE reading this right... The Missionaries you sent in lieu of the Witnesses did indeed come on the same day the Witnesses came back!  Eek!

P.P.S  & We're still friends... for now.  (dun, dun, DUN!)