Dear Jen,
Just over three months into this pregnancy and already it's the craziest so far. I guess I need to qualify that by saying that my pregnancies haven't really been all that crazy--I had the one first-trimester miscarriage, and then with Gavin I had some random spotting at 5 months which was quickly put into perspective by a google search, but that's it! So not to say it has been anything to compare to Marci's incompetent cervix and frequent labour scares for instance, but still I find myself hoping and praying things don't become any more eventful, and that I never have the privilege of topping this in any future pregnancies!
So you know, perhaps vaguely (I can't remember how much we talked about it), that I had the miscarriage scare a few weeks ago with gushes of blood and day-long cramping. Well, lucky me, I just went through miscarriage scare #2! Once again I felt, considering the circumstances, that there was no way I was keeping this baby. But now, the next day, after some research, some prayer, and a blessing from Brad, I am once again hopeful that this is all just a scary manifestation of a, truly, minor problem.
Did I tell you the accepted theory on the last one? I had an ultrasound and my doctor told me that they had found something with a fancy long medical name that basically means there was a hemmorage between the placenta and uterus. Not that they're detached (which would equal dead baby), but the connection is, shall we say, not as secure as could be desired (which can heal and be a total non-issue down the line, by the way).
SO, although I won't have a chance to discuss this with my doctor till Tuesday, I have a theory based on the evidence that makes this second scare just a Grand Finale of the first. I should disclaim that most people probably would consider this too disgusting for the Open Internet, but to me, this is part of making a child, so I hope you don't find it too unrefined to put it out in writing. It's a big part of my experience right now! Obviously even when I'm not having these problems, they're a menacing concern in the back of my mind.
The scare was more blood--thick, red-brown, gushing blood. And cramps--mild, but persistent cramps in my lower right abdomen that feel like exercise cramps (you know, when you swim too hard or run too fast) that once again lasted for a full day. It was freaky. I called Brad to tell him not to dawdle at school because I was worried I'd have to rush to the hospital (in fact I technically should have gone to the hospital, if I had been following my doctor's instructions properly. But I know too much about emergency wait times and pregnancy and miscarriage to bother unless I felt it was SERIOUS), and I dropped everything to spend the rest of my afternoon seated firmly on the couch--no moving (good thing Evelyn is so independant and useful!).
My original thought was: "this is happening a second time, and with greater volume, this has to be a very very bad sign. I cannot see how my pregnancy can recover normally from this." I once again set my mind to accepting an un-pregnant existence, and the lack of a baby to welcome into our family any time in the near future (which, since re-evaluating my attitude after the last scare, I'm getting pretty excited about). Last night was rough, because I woke up (as is common these days) to go to the bathroom around 2:30, and with the cramps and bleeding still present, I got a little more freaked out. No position was comfortable and I kept wondering if I should get up right then and head off to Emerg. I didn't, mostly because I realized a qualified ultrasound technician probably wouldn't even be on staff at that hour, so once again, unless I was in dire circumstances, there was no point. Instead I eventually drifted off into fitful rest, and had three separate dreams about the same thing: I wait forever at the hospital, until finally, I miscarry in a dramatic scene. Each time I would wake up from the dream that had felt so real I would need to take a moment to convince myself that for the time being I was still pregnant before I could settle back into another tortured dream.
BUT, like I said, research and blessing have calmed my mind, and the diminished cramping and absence of bleeding today have put into my mind a more positive theory:
Okay so you know how when you aren't pregnant, your body accumulates all this stuff, and then once a month it opens up and evacuates it all, and this is what we call a "menstrual cycle"? Well, what if this gush was left over in my body from the original wound, waiting for the regular "period" time? It works mathematically: pregnancy calculations are based off of a 28-day cycle, which means that every four weeks the cycle would end. I happen to be at week 16, as determined by ultrasound--a fourth week. Also that would explain the difference in colour and consisency. The first time it was bright red--freaky in its own right. But not this time. And brown is an indication of old blood. Also, I have heard many times of people getting a full on period well into their healthy pregnancy. Maybe, then, if your body has something to get rid of that isn't urgent, it waits for that natural cycle, pregnant or not. And maybe, then, this second round of concerning blood loss doesn't mean that my baby is dying because my body is failing it.
It's been a tense 24 hours, but I am feeling hopeful--and like I said, hoping I don't have any more stories to top it.
We'll talk on the phone sometime next week after my appointment and I can tell you what my doctor thinks of my crazy theory!
Love,
Jacqui
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